Judgemental : low self esteem?

 Hi.

Rasa nak tulis. Tapi taktau mana nak mula.

Haritu rasa dah ok. Tak sedih dah. Tapi malam ni tetibe rasa sedih lagi.

Pasal some people punya perangai yang suka judge.

I don't know if I ni judgemental or not, tapi most people would tell me I am not. Which I believe so too. 

Posting something on social media does not mean you're trying to impress orang tau.

Cuma sometimes maybe it seem mcm tu kalau kita nak comparekan social media n socializing in real life. As if kita ni heboh nak bagitau orang kita buat sekian2.

But sometimes it's just untuk journal n simpan memories without  including people's/viewer's thoughts on the post. To me mostly it's like this. But when you have someone often criticizing people's social media post around you, makes you uncomfortable and rasa nak block je orang tu dari viewing post kita. Such a turn off.

Sigh.

Kenapa kena letak tajuk

 Hi blog.

It's me again. I would like to get back on the sedih issue and wanted to die feeling.

So haritu (Isnin) oh hari ni Jumaat. Ok, Isnin arituu my lil sister came to my house, lepak2. Borak punya borak then I asked her, pernah tak she rasa mcm I rasa tu? Sebenarnya, obviously laaa dia mmg pernah ada sbb dulu dia diagnosed MDD masa dkt Birmingham. 

Kepala otak kita pun mula la berjalan. Why is it I feel this way? And usually feeling ni akan datang bila suami start berhobi dengan rakan2. Mungkin lah ek, mungkin sbb Dari kecil I feel abandoned, so whenever people important in my life tak spend time with me, dia trigger. Mungkin lah. 

Meaning to say, this is not me trying to blame sesiapa. I guess this is just how things are and how/who I am. Doesn't mean I have to believe whatever I think is true. These thoughts, they are just in my head but not necessarily the truth. Takkan la suami not allowed to live his life just because I tak happy dengan hobby dia kn. Apakah kehidupan kalau macamtu.

Ok, kena mengena my sister dalam story ni is; I told her, arituu masa I briskwalk sesorang, rasa sedih.. jalan2, rasa sedih. Teringat macam2.. fikirkan kehidupan yang mcm tak membanggakan, fikirkan arwah kakak, etc. pastu nangis.. bila sorang2 je boleh nangis so kita nangis je la. (Bila takde orang nampak la) 

Pastu, baby (mylilsis) cakap, "haha briskwalk memang sedih. Kalau jogging laju sikit baru tak sedih" .

Ohhhh.. that made sense! Maybe kita melayan perasaan sorang2, cakap dengan diri sendiri dengan jiwa melancholy memang la sedih. Kan? Sebenarnya mana ada siapa yang tak sedih hidup dia. Tak semestinya u kena selubung diri dengan kesedihan selalu. 

Kn? 

Takde tajuk

 Hello.

It's been a while kan. 

Lama rasa nak menulis sebenarnya.

Nak meluah. Haha

Sebab maybe in real life, takde tempat yang sesuai nak meluah pasal beberapa hal.

Inilah, catatan seorang surirumah yang kebosanan, yang takde hobby, dan mungkin takde life. Or mungkin kita je yg rasa mcmtu. Oh well. Tapi salah satu penyumbang fikiran2 negatif ni pastilah hormones. Selamat datang bulan penuh. Selamat datang.

Kadang pasang, kadang surut. Begitulah emosi saya. Since kakak Amiera's passing, from time to time I would think of what is it like to die. And a few times I asked Allah, Allah.. kenapa belum mati lagi aku ni? Takdela sedih pun, cuma aku rasa normal je untuk berfikir macamtu sebab semua orang penat dengan kehidupan kan. 

Tapi baru ni borak dengan kakngah, cakap mcmtu (sambil ketawa sbb to me mcm dark humor) then kakngah tanya; ijah ok takk? 

Eh? Nape eh? Tak ok ke?

Rasa macam ok je kan.. biasa la hidup dekat dunia. Bukan syurga. 

One time kita pergi briskwalk sorang2, bila dapat tempat tak selisih dengan orang, kita nangis.. Whenever I get to be alone, entah kenapa rasa sedih la hati ni. But usually tak dapat la briskwalk sorang2.. kena drag stroller with Zaid, n Zahrah. Tapi walaupun dapat keluar rumah n beractivity, rasa sedih tetap ada.

I think I need a hobby. Tapi apakah itu hobby? Or maybe I should get a job. Or a life. Kan?

Baru-baru ni, husband start running balik. Nak be healthier, mentally physically jugak la kot kan. As usual, kita kalau husband bz yang bukan kerja ni mesti rasa mcm tak best. Taktau la kenapa. Kalau husband ada, kita ok. Abis takkan la kita nak halang dia buat pape kan. Dia pun boring duduk rumah nnt takde life mcm kita. Hmmm.. so I have to figure out what to do to avoid feeling like this. 

Actually nak menulis ni pun sebab nak journal je. Nak vent. Dekat tempat yang visible, tapi takde orang baca. At least boleh sort fikiran.